Monday, June 23, 2008

Reflections on the pass 6 months

I woke up this morning with thoughts of the last 6 months of my life and I really can't believe all that has happened. I have had some devastating things and some wonderful things happen and I am not sure if the good out weighs the bad. I am trying to figure it out.

January 2008 - This I thought was going to be a very good year for us. I think we all think this on New Year's Day. We had the best holidays, with LilyRose being here to celebrate and my brother being home from Iraq and my Niece's spending the first Christmas with us in a lot of years. We were going to bring our new son Jack home sometime this year and we couldn't wait. Then Monday, January 7th rolled around and I didn't know it yet but my life was about to take a turn for the worst. Anthony came home from work not feeling well. He had a sore throat. Fast forward to Friday January 11th. He woke up and his neck was 10 x's the normal size and his eyes were popping out of his head. Off to the ER. He told me everything was ok and that he would be home later that night. Ok, I feel better about it, so I drive my brother to the airport so that he could return to Iraq. I am consoling my niece's for the next 2 hours and I get the call that changed my life. "Your husband is 2 steps from death and he needs emergency surgery on his throat to save his life". I stumbled around in a fog for the next month. I couldn't believe what was happening, he's only 44 years old, super strong and I thought healthy. He works like crazy, gets up every morning at 4:30am and works sometimes until 8pm. Anthony can't be this sick, I think, but he was and it knocked the wind out of my sails for a long time. Now I have to deal with his ex-wife. There is no love lost there, trust me. I have had 5 years of hell with this woman and her kids. Well, their Anthony's kids too but... I will leave it at that. So anyway, my husband hasn't worked in over a month at this time and things are really bad here but she wants to know how she is going to get her child support. I am like, are you ^*$&! kidding me? My kids are 9 and 2 and your kids are almost 21 and 19. I won't get into anymore about that, but that brought January to a really, really bad end.

February 2008 - Anthony recovered better once he was home. We had our home study updated for Jack. We celebrated our 1 year "Gotcha Day" for LilyRose. I was running like crazy to get all of our stuff done for our Vietnam Adoption and I was thanking God that things were going better for us. I finally sold my dad's car which hurt me more then it should have. It helped to pay for some of Jack's adoption but I was really wishing my dad was around driving that old thing. I really needed him at this time in my life. Although we didn't really get along, he was great to talk to. He had a lot of insight and his advice (not taken most of the time) was always on the money. I really, really needed him at this point in time. Had our taxes done and we had to deal with the ex-wife again and his kids this time. February came to an end and it was just as bad as last month. When will I not have to deal with her again??????
March 2008 - This was a nice month for us. Jack turned 8 years old and LilyRose was finally Baptised. Joseph made the Travel All Star Baseball Team and he was super excited about it. We went to the FCC-LI CNY Party and had a great time. My niece's came with us and it was a great family day. We still didn't have a finger print appt. and that was freakin me out. But I had everything else done for our dossier. So we sent it on to Vietnam for translation and we were praying to get the I171H to send out too.
April 2008 - This was a super month for us. This is when we met Ayanna. My sweet, precious Ayanna. We also got our I171H and off to Vietnam it went. We ordered the new bedroom set for Joseph and Jack and things were great. Well not so great with LilyRose. She resented Ayanna and at first she loved having this little bundle of joy at the house. But as soon as she saw that mommy was holding and feeding and changing and bathing her, she didn't like it so much anymore. It was very hard and tiring and draining for me and for her. But I loved Ayanna so much it hurt. I knew that I would never be able to give this sweet baby up. I started to ask if there was any way for us to adopt her. Well, we all know how that turned out.
May 2008 - Well my cousin had her baby. Little Tate was born on May 1st. My brother ended his tour in Iraq and came home for good. Super happy time for my family. Then my Godson Jake made his First Holy Communion and I was invited. I had not seen Jake for something like 5 years. So I was super happy to be a part of his special day. We got our official referral for Jack Anthony and things could not be better. Joseph had tryouts for the Summer All Star Baseball team and the Soccer Travel Team. He made both teams. He really is my super jock. My niece made Confirmation and we were there to see it. That was very exciting for us. But one of the saddest days of my life was on May 23, when Ayanna went to another host family. OMG, my heart hurt so bad I wanted to die. I cried and cried for her and I am still crying for her. I won't ever forget her and she will always be my little Ayanna. I am crying just writing this.
June 2008 - My 2nd saddest day was when we got the call that we were no longer able to adopt Jack. His birth mother came and took him home. I will surly die now, I thought. My heart is in a million little pieces now and it will never fully recover. How does one deal with this pain. I am still trying to figure it out. Thank God for my family and friends. without them I have no idea where I would be right now. Although I have had some very weird comments on these past events that have me baffled, I still need the support of the rest of them to get me through this. What hurts me the most at this point is that my son Joseph will never be the same. I will never forget the look on his face when I told him Jack was no longer going to be his brother. I can't even describe it. My son, who only a few weeks ago was trying to heal my heart over Ayanna and telling me that he loved me and that soon we would have Jack to love and to hold, now needed me to heal his heart and to tell him that I loved him more then life itself. I can't even promise him that we will bring him a new brother because we don't know what we are doing right now. I need time to heal and to think about our next step. I just need peace. Well, we will get no peace until my husband is completely done with his ex-wife. What a weekend we had with her. She resents my daughter. Can you believe it? She blames my daughter because Anthony will stop paying child support for his 21 year old son soon. He is also trying to stop support for his 19 year old who he hasn't seen or talked to in 5 years and who has 2 jobs by the way. She thinks if my daughter is no longer here, he will continued to pay for his boys. So I told her to take a walk (I really told her something else, but this is a family blog lol) my daughter is here to stay. Now I have to say that June was a very crazy month for me personally. Tell me what you think of these events?!? In the beginning of June after finding out about Jack, i am driving home from my cousin's baby shower and some young guy (with his girlfriend in the car) cuts me off. So I blow y horn at him. Get this, he starts screaming and cursing at me like a mad man. He rips off his seat belt and is going absolutely crazy. I was laughing so hard that I think it freaked him out even more. So, now he starts to drive and every time I got close he would slam on his breaks. So I laid on my horn. He finally stops his car and gets out. My window is open at this time and he comes flying over and puts his whole upper body in my window. I am trying to get my seat belt off and the stupid thing locks on me. I can't move at all. I am trying to unbuckle it and I can't. This moron is spitting at me, cursing at me and I am trying to push him out of my car. In the meantime, all the cars behind me are blowing there horns telling us to move off to the side of the road. Can you believe it? If my husband or brother saw some guy hanging in a girls car and she is alone they would be out in a minute helping her. I was not so lucky. I told his girlfriend through her window to run for the hills because if she didn't she would be dead within the year. She wouldn't even look my way. He took off and I couldn't get his plate number. Everyone keeps asking me what I would have done if I got out of the car. With the mood I was in who knows. I would have at least gotten one good shot at him. Then the other day my older niece ask me to help her get her stuff out of her mother's new house. She is marrying a guy that my niece's hate. He is a nasty guy and they don't like him. My younger niece lives here with us because of him. My older niece just got her own place and so I told her I would take her as long as it was early in the morning while her mother and the boyfriend were at work. We get there at 11am and sure enough the boyfriend is home. I got cursed out and charged at by this great big piece of white trash and the names I was called, holy you know what. Well I have to say that if I wasn't looking to adopt again, I would have taken a bat to his head. I mean come on people, do I have a sign on me anywhere that reads "Come on down and treat me like &^*%?" No I don't think so. I have to say that the things that were flying out of my mouth were just as bad at this point and I didn't care at all. This pig and that is what he is, was like a crazy man. He was saying some nasty things to my niece and I really wanted to hurt this guy. Needless to say, he threw out the rest of her stuff on the street and I had to go back to get it all before it rained. I have a friend that lives out there and she drove by and saw it all. It is an hour drive each way. My ex sister in law took his side and not her daughters. My ex sister in law married this guy yesterday (Sunday). My younger niece went but the older one did not. When the ex came to pick up my younger niece Saturday, she pulls in front of my house in front of my kids and gives me the finger. Can you believe the nerve? She tells me to go and F myself. She was no good from day one, but my brother got 2 beautiful girls out of it and for that I am thankful. I wish her luck, because that thing she married will do her harm one day for sure. I hope I am around to see it. I can't wait for June 2008 to be over.
I hope the next 6 months are better for us. I don't think I could take any more . I would like to wish all the families that are waiting to go and bring their children home and the families that have their children home all the best. I hope one day it will be us again.

Sunday, June 15, 2008


We are no longer able to adopt our sweet boy Jack.

I have posted to his blog if you care to read what happened. Here is the link...