Friday, May 23, 2008

A Sad Day

Today is a sad day in my home. Ayanna, the sweet baby girl we were hosting has left our home to be placed in another Host Family home. We have had Ayanna for 5 weeks and I truly love this baby with all my heart, but having her here has affected my family in so many ways.

LilyRose has taken it the hardest. She is so jealous and she started to act out in ways that floored me. I tried to spend as much time with her as I could in the last 5 weeks, but when she saw me with the baby it flipped her out. My son Joseph didn't mind Ayanna being here, it just bothered him that I didn't spend time with him that much anymore. Normally, we would do his homework together and I would go to his baseball games and that kinda changed. Ayanna was always up around the time he would do his homework and with the crazy weather we have been having I would not take her to the field so Anthony would take Joe and LilyRose so that I could catch up on some sleep while Ayanna slept. Anthony tried to deal with it as best he could too. My husband gets up at 4:30 am every morning to go to work. Ayanna had her days and nights mixed up for a long while. I finally got that fixed and she got sick. She had the worst cold and ear infection so we were back to no sleep at night. My mother helped out alot with Ayanna. She is so in love with this little baby and really wanted to adopt her. I am just sleep deprived and really can't function anymore.

Ayanna was suppose to be placed with her adopted family a few times and then the birth mother would change her mind at the last minute. Her birth mother really wanted to parent her but she couldn't get anyone to help her. I really don't know what will happen to Ayanna now. They knew my family was having a hard time and so they found another host family to care for Ayanna until she is placed in her permanent home. So, this morning at 8:15 am they came to take Ayanna to her new home. I have never cried so hard in my life. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I mean I just handed her over. I am the only "mother" she has ever known and I just handed her over because we, as a family couldn't handle it. What kind of person am I? I hate myself right now. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I dropped the ball so to speak. I thought I was doing a good thing here. I never in my wildest dreams thought I couldn't handle it. I will never forgive myself for not seeing this beautiful child through to her new home.

You know, I can't even write anymore. I just want to go and sort through my feelings and my thoughts. I need to rest my broken heart. Please pray for baby Ayanna.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Happy Belated Mother's Day To You All

My Mother's Day present (mine is not engraved yet I took photo from Things Remembered)

I hope you all enjoyed your Mother's Day. I was sick in bed. A Mother's Day present from our host baby Ayanna. I still had a great day though. Ayanna goes back to her birth mother on Friday. I am sure I will be in bed for this weekend to. But can anyone says the word EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!!!!! I haven't slept in about a month. I am so tired. I am to old for an infant. lol Her days and nights are still mixed up, better but not great. LilyRose is so not happy that Ayanna is here. I thought by now she would be ok with it, but no. It has been a hard time for my family here the last month, but, god, do I love this little girl. She is the cutest little thing you ever wanted to see. I will miss her everyday for the rest of my life. I know that we will not have contact with her again after Friday and that hurts even more. I would so love to at least get a picture of her once a year. I would be happy with that, but it won't happen.

I will not be hosting another baby anytime soon, as we just got our official referral for Jack. I filled out our paperwork for the I600 over the weekend and I hope I did it right. I was so sick, I couldn't keep my head up for very long. But I sent it to our agency yesterday and hopefully it will go on from there this week. Keep your fingers crossed. I posted pictures of our Jack on his blog. If you would like to take a peek look for his link on the right and drop by. We are hoping to travel before September, but that doesn't look like it will happen. We can't wait for Jack to be home with his new FOREVER FAMILY!!!!!!

I have to get pictures of LilyRose up. I still haven't even sent her Christening Thank Yous yet. I am horrible lately, but I am just so tired.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!