Friday, May 23, 2008

A Sad Day

Today is a sad day in my home. Ayanna, the sweet baby girl we were hosting has left our home to be placed in another Host Family home. We have had Ayanna for 5 weeks and I truly love this baby with all my heart, but having her here has affected my family in so many ways.

LilyRose has taken it the hardest. She is so jealous and she started to act out in ways that floored me. I tried to spend as much time with her as I could in the last 5 weeks, but when she saw me with the baby it flipped her out. My son Joseph didn't mind Ayanna being here, it just bothered him that I didn't spend time with him that much anymore. Normally, we would do his homework together and I would go to his baseball games and that kinda changed. Ayanna was always up around the time he would do his homework and with the crazy weather we have been having I would not take her to the field so Anthony would take Joe and LilyRose so that I could catch up on some sleep while Ayanna slept. Anthony tried to deal with it as best he could too. My husband gets up at 4:30 am every morning to go to work. Ayanna had her days and nights mixed up for a long while. I finally got that fixed and she got sick. She had the worst cold and ear infection so we were back to no sleep at night. My mother helped out alot with Ayanna. She is so in love with this little baby and really wanted to adopt her. I am just sleep deprived and really can't function anymore.

Ayanna was suppose to be placed with her adopted family a few times and then the birth mother would change her mind at the last minute. Her birth mother really wanted to parent her but she couldn't get anyone to help her. I really don't know what will happen to Ayanna now. They knew my family was having a hard time and so they found another host family to care for Ayanna until she is placed in her permanent home. So, this morning at 8:15 am they came to take Ayanna to her new home. I have never cried so hard in my life. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I mean I just handed her over. I am the only "mother" she has ever known and I just handed her over because we, as a family couldn't handle it. What kind of person am I? I hate myself right now. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I dropped the ball so to speak. I thought I was doing a good thing here. I never in my wildest dreams thought I couldn't handle it. I will never forgive myself for not seeing this beautiful child through to her new home.

You know, I can't even write anymore. I just want to go and sort through my feelings and my thoughts. I need to rest my broken heart. Please pray for baby Ayanna.


PletcherFamily said...

Please don't beat yourself up over this. You had to do what was right for your family. You gave her the best home you could for the 5 weeks you had her, and all the love she could have. That is a gift she will have with her always. You gave her a great start and a fighting chance. To me, and a lot of other people, you are a true hero to those little babies who need cared for the most.

Marilyn, Paul, PJ, Chris & Lauren said...

My heart aches for you. You are in such pain, and so hard on yourself.

That baby is better off for having you love her and care for her for as long as you could. We are only ever asked to give what we can, and you did that. Think how many people, though they can, never give at all. May time and some well needed sleep help you through this difficult time for you and your family.

I'll keep you in my prayers,


Anonymous said...

Lisa, I know exactly what you are going thru. But you must do what is best for Lily rose first . An adopted baby misses out on so much during her infancy, she of course cannot explain but obviously has certain feelings. She needs all of you right now to make up for so much lost. Do not be down on your self, you did the right thing.
try a get "The connected Child" by Karen Purvis from your Library. It has explained so much to me and has really helped. I am praying for you all. Try and get some sleep.
love jackie

Anonymous said...

Please stop beating yourself up!! Like I have told you, you did an awesome thing and now it is time to get The "Cass" fam back in order to welcome a little boy that is waiting for his new Family to love and take care of him! You guys are truly the best and we love you all so much, I am here for you, please know that! Little Ayanna was truly blessed to be in a home that loved and cared for her like you all did! And in her little heart, she will never forget the home that you made for her!
Love ya!!
PS...When are you taking the ride out? Shopping?? That cures being bummed!! :)

Anonymous said...

You have to stop feeling as though you did something wrong! Listen to what everyone is saying to you in their comments. They could not be more right. And as I said to you before, it would have been that much harder the longer you cared for her. The needs of your own family comes first. You did an amazing thing for little Ayanna in the 5 weeks she was part of your home! Focus on the positive, like all the hugs and kisses and love and care she received while under your wings! Love, Gina

Jenni said...

You gave that baby a tremendous amount of love and care for 5 weeks Lisa. That's a wonderful person. :) Thinking of you.

alison said...

I'm a little late here Lisa....I hope you are feeling better. I couldn't imagine bringing a newborn into our family that wasn't going to be with us forever. You're a strong person just for doing it the time that you did.

lara said...

oh Lisa i am so sorry that you are so heartbroken, you have just shown that you have such an enourmous heart and have done the best for everyone, big hugs for you , Lara xx

Manette said...

Lisa, It's been a while since I read Lily Rose's blog and was so disappointed to read of your suffering. I have a philosophy about the things you've experienced: First, you gave this sweet and precious little girl a stable and loving home that is going to be the basis of everything else she will experience. Your family was a building block and a stepping stone for her future. You were a vital part of it and you played your part to the end. But, had you pushed further, you and your family may have suffered more agony than you may realize. And in the end this would have made life unbearable for an innocent child. You made the PERFECT choice for yourself, your husband, your children, and the special child you were temporarily hosting. What you did was perfect and (from one mother to another) the sacrifices you all made to help this little girl move on was so selfless!!! Sending you lots of love, Manette & Family