A Sad Day

Today is a sad day in my home. Ayanna, the sweet baby girl we were hosting has left our home to be placed in another Host Family home. We have had Ayanna for 5 weeks and I truly love this baby with all my heart, but having her here has affected my family in so many ways.

LilyRose has taken it the hardest. She is so jealous and she started to act out in ways that floored me. I tried to spend as much time with her as I could in the last 5 weeks, but when she saw me with the baby it flipped her out. My son Joseph didn't mind Ayanna being here, it just bothered him that I didn't spend time with him that much anymore. Normally, we would do his homework together and I would go to his baseball games and that kinda changed. Ayanna was always up around the time he would do his homework and with the crazy weather we have been having I would not take her to the field so Anthony would take Joe and LilyRose so that I could catch up on some sleep while Ayanna slept. Anthony tried to deal with it as best he could too. My husband gets up at 4:30 am every morning to go to work. Ayanna had her days and nights mixed up for a long while. I finally got that fixed and she got sick. She had the worst cold and ear infection so we were back to no sleep at night. My mother helped out alot with Ayanna. She is so in love with this little baby and really wanted to adopt her. I am just sleep deprived and really can't function anymore.

Ayanna was suppose to be placed with her adopted family a few times and then the birth mother would change her mind at the last minute. Her birth mother really wanted to parent her but she couldn't get anyone to help her. I really don't know what will happen to Ayanna now. They knew my family was having a hard time and so they found another host family to care for Ayanna until she is placed in her permanent home. So, this morning at 8:15 am they came to take Ayanna to her new home. I have never cried so hard in my life. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I mean I just handed her over. I am the only "mother" she has ever known and I just handed her over because we, as a family couldn't handle it. What kind of person am I? I hate myself right now. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I dropped the ball so to speak. I thought I was doing a good thing here. I never in my wildest dreams thought I couldn't handle it. I will never forgive myself for not seeing this beautiful child through to her new home.

You know, I can't even write anymore. I just want to go and sort through my feelings and my thoughts. I need to rest my broken heart. Please pray for baby Ayanna.

Happy Belated Mother's Day To You All

My Mother's Day present (mine is not engraved yet I took photo from Things Remembered)

I hope you all enjoyed your Mother's Day. I was sick in bed. A Mother's Day present from our host baby Ayanna. I still had a great day though. Ayanna goes back to her birth mother on Friday. I am sure I will be in bed for this weekend to. But can anyone says the word EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!!!!! I haven't slept in about a month. I am so tired. I am to old for an infant. lol Her days and nights are still mixed up, better but not great. LilyRose is so not happy that Ayanna is here. I thought by now she would be ok with it, but no. It has been a hard time for my family here the last month, but, god, do I love this little girl. She is the cutest little thing you ever wanted to see. I will miss her everyday for the rest of my life. I know that we will not have contact with her again after Friday and that hurts even more. I would so love to at least get a picture of her once a year. I would be happy with that, but it won't happen.

I will not be hosting another baby anytime soon, as we just got our official referral for Jack. I filled out our paperwork for the I600 over the weekend and I hope I did it right. I was so sick, I couldn't keep my head up for very long. But I sent it to our agency yesterday and hopefully it will go on from there this week. Keep your fingers crossed. I posted pictures of our Jack on his blog. If you would like to take a peek look for his link on the right and drop by. We are hoping to travel before September, but that doesn't look like it will happen. We can't wait for Jack to be home with his new FOREVER FAMILY!!!!!!

I have to get pictures of LilyRose up. I still haven't even sent her Christening Thank Yous yet. I am horrible lately, but I am just so tired.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are now A Host Family

A woman that worked for our previous agency when we adopted LilyRose is now working for Spence-Chapin in NYC. She called me a few weeks ago and asked if we would consider being a "Host Family" "Yes, we would love to I said". So we sent our paperwork over to them and thought it would take a few months, but no, that wasn't the case since we have all of our clearances. We got a call on Wednesday morning asking how soon we could take a baby in? I said "how soon do you need us to?" 4pm today was the answer. So as of 4:30pm on Wednesday April 16th, we have a newborn in our home. She is the cutest little peanut ever. It's actually called "Boarding Parents" The birth mothers have up until 30 days to decide if they would like to parent the child or put them up for adoption. We are in no way able to adopt these children at all. The birth mother has already chosen an adopted family. Everyone thinks I am nuts. "Aren't you going to get attached to this baby?" "How are you going to give this baby up when the time comes?". My answer to these questions are this, "Yes, I am attached to this baby already. She is with me 24/7. My arms ache when I am not holding her." "But, if and when the time comes that her birth mother wants her back, or decides that she will place her for adoption, I will give her back." If her birth mother wants her then that is truly the best place for her to be. I am sure this BM is a young girl who is scared out of her mind and needed just a little more time to get comfortable with the idea she is a mother now. If she decides that she will put this child up for adoption, then I will hand over this child to a woman who never had the pleasure of being pregnant and giving birth. She will know the greatest joy in life, becoming a mother. I have experienced that joy 2 ways. Giving birth and adoption. Then when this sweet child leaves my home, I will go into my room and cry. Yes, I will mourn and I will never forget her. But I feel that I am giving this child a safe and happy, healthy start in this life. For the short amount of time that she is here with us, she will be loved and held and snuggled and loved some more. She is a beautiful baby and I hope she has a wonderful life.

I am hoping that those of you that read this and think you might like to be a Host Family and you live in the NY area, please call Spence-Chapin. They are in major need of Host Families. Please, won't you open your home and hearts to these innocent babies and help give them a loving start in life? If you want more info feel free to email me. I really hope someone will call or email.

Just saying hello

I can't believe it's been this long since I posted here. So many things have been going on. First off, we finally Baptised LilyRose on March 30th and she looked beautiful. It was a very small gathering and I am sure lots of people will be mad at me, but with Jack's adoption things are very tight right now and that's why I kept it super small. I planned it in a short time as I wanted my brother to be here for it. I will post pictures as soon as I figure out how to use my new computer. Yes, that's right, I am posting this from a brand new laptop. A gift from my brother.

Isn't he a great brother?!?!!!! Unfortunately, Ralph went back to Iraq on Monday night. Even though he is a pain in the ass sometimes, it is super hard watching him leave. He will be home for good in October of this year. 6 months isn't really a long time away, but for us it seems like an eternity. I can't wait for the day I pick him up at the airport for the last time. That will be a great day for all of us.

LilyRose is doing great. She talks up a storm and 90% of the time it is loud and clear. She's funny, cute and sometimes very shy. Other times she is like a social butterfly. She has the biggest crush on my niece's boyfriend. When he walks through the door she gets this look on her face and just floats into his arms. I think it's the cutest thing ever, my husband on the other hand holds his heart and cringes. Joseph is doing great also. He made the Travel Team (baseball) He beat out some 10 year olds and is super proud of himself. Their uniforms this year are awesome looking. He looks so grown up out on the field. He had his first double header on Sunday. It was really cold out so I didn't make it to the field this time around. Anthony said he did really well, although he got hit by a pitch and his arm was swollen and bruised. He made sure he showed everyone that came to the house on Sunday.

So other then my brother leaving and that our adoption of Jack is killing me, things are good here. My children are great and that makes life worth living.

Happy Easter

Just wanted to wish everyone a belated Happy Easter. Both my kids were really sick. LilyRose more so then Joseph. This was LilyRose's first cold since we have her. We went to Church and in the middle of the service she started to burn up. She was really bad, so we had to leave. When we got home, I put her pj's on and gave her medicine and she slept on and off most of the day. We did not get one picture of her in her dress or any of Joseph for that matter. Maybe when she feels better, I will dress them up and get a few pictures.

I am sorry that I have not posted much, but our adoption of Jack Anthony is not going so good and I am just preoccupied with what is happening. Hope to get back on track soon.

Video of Ribbon Dance

Ok, this was really funny to see in person. The video didn't come out as clear as I had hoped it would. Before the music started, my mother kept asking "Where's the music" the lady who was doing this was bugging out with her. She kept saying " in a minute". well my mother can't hear to well and kept asking her the same thing. The lady just ignored her after a while. I wish I got that on video. When the dance was over, the lady asked my mother to say something in Chinese and my mother did. We still have no idea what she said. The lady must have made her say something on the lines of "I am a crazy, annoying lady" lol

For all of you who do know my mother, you could just imagine what she is saying throughout this whole thing. Whatever you THINK she is saying, SHE IS!!!! For all that don't know my mother, you don't want to know what she was saying. LOL LOL she really is a very funny lady.

Oh, BTW, she is all the way in the back on the left next to Joseph and Anthony. Everyone did really well. My niece Christina (in the front) did a great job. Check out LilyRose, she moves like a pro.

FCC-LI Chinese New Year Party

Sunday was the FCC-LI CNY Party at Stony Brook College.

We had a great time. My mother and my 2 nieces came with us and it was a great family day. LilyRose had a great time and so did Joseph. He spent the entire day running crazy with his friend Brenden. Joseph is part of the FCC-LI Youth Group and they made Chocolate to sell and Anthony spent most of Saturday baking Brownies and Chocolate Chip Cookies for the bake sale. He did really well. All his brownies sold. Joseph had to sell the goods at the party. I didn't think he would do it, but he surprised me and walked around the rooms to sell. He did a great job. I won a Ladybug Basket for LilyRose. The reason I tried to win this basket was the fact it had a Lily Ladybug Flashlight in it. I couldn't believe I won it. It had some really cute ladybug things in it.

My niece's had a good time also. My older niece Christina got up on stage for some of the shows and she did a Ribbon Dance along with my mother and Anthony and Joseph and Lily. I have it on video and just watching my mother is the funniest thing ever. It didn't come out as clear as I would have liked but for all that know my mother, you will get a kick out of it. Joseph got up on stage a few times too. My niece Daniella sat with me. We didn't get up on stage for any of it. TOO SHY!!!!!

I am glad we went and cannot wait until next year. I am looking forward to the next gathering with our FCC-LI Family.

LilyRose is home 1 year today

HOME ALMOST 1 YEAR TO THE DAY


HOME 4 DAYS

Can you believe it? We can't.

It seems like LilyRose has always been here with us. I remember walking in the door and my mother burst into tears when she saw her new granddaughter. I also remember LilyRose not wanting anything to do with her. It took her almost a week to warm up to my mother. Looking at them now, you would never believe it. She loves her "mamma". She looks so very different from a year ago. She has grown in so many ways. LilyRose has bought so much joy and love to us.

We could not imagine our world without her.

1 Year Ago Today

NOW

THEN

Today we celebrated 1 year with LilyRose.

I can't believe a whole year has passed. It seems like yesterday that we arrived in China not knowing what to expect. Is our daughter deaf? Is she sick? How bad will she grieve? Will we make her happy? I woke up this morning and I remembered all those feelings I had 1 year ago. It was crazy. I went into LilyRose's room and just watched her sleep for a while, like we did in China when we first got her. We just sat and watched her. I thought about her aunty today too. That poor woman cried when we walked into the office. She knew that she would never see her "baby" again. I wonder if she thinks of LilyRose sometimes? I sure think of her. I hope she didn't hurt too much when she left Lilyrose behind on that beautiful, sunny day a year ago. What was most likely one of the worst days of her life, was one of the best days of mine. I also thought of her bio mother, does she know that her daughter is safe, healthy and happy? Does she wonder where she lives and what she looks like? I can't imagine what she must feel.

So, yes, today is a very happy day for our family, but I still feel some sadness for the 2 other women that loved our daughter.

Update

I am so sorry that I have not posted in a while. Anthony is home and doing really well. He came home on Saturday, January 20th. We thought at one point while he was still in the hospital that he would have to have another surgery, but thank god he didn't need it. They still have no idea what happened to him. The surgeon said it was a very aggressive infection and they were just happy that they caught it before it turned fatal.

The kids were so happy to have him home. I was happy too because I didn't have to drive to the hospital 2 times a day. lol Also because my Christmas Lights were finally taken down. That was one of the last things I said to Anthony before he went into surgery. "You better hurry up home, because the Christmas stuff is still on the outside of the house and it's embarrassing". The Dr. was cracking up.

The hole in his neck is closing nicely and the Dr. said he can go back to work on Monday. I told him I wasn't happy with him going into NYC especially since the hole is still open and his immune system is not that strong right now. Thank God his boss said he can go to a job that is starting on Wednesday right here in Long Island. He can drive there and it's not hard labor. So he will go back to work on Wednesday. We are in a little trouble here as he has not gotten paid in 4 weeks. Our adoption is on hold because of it. I need to take care of here first before we can proceed with the adoption. It breaks my heart that Jack knows we are coming and now it will take us so much longer to get him home, but I have to thank some people for donating. We got 3 Chip In donations and a few checks to the PO Box. So hold on Jack, were coming!!!!

Well, Wednesday I turned 43. I can't believe I am that old. I was looking in the mirror that day and I almost fell over. Damn, I look 43. So SCARY!!!!!! But it was a nice day. My husband was home and my kids were here, my niece's were here and some of my family even came over. I really didn't want anything, but my mother insisted that we have to have cake and coffee. My brother called from Iraq and I felt so bad because he was really sick and it was 4:45am there when he called. He said that he set his alarm so that he wouldn't miss calling me. I have an awesome family.

I would like to thank each and everyone of you that left a comment for my husband. It meant so very much to us.

Say a Prayer for Anthony

I am asking for prayers for my husband Anthony. He had emergency throat surgery on Friday night. It started last Sunday night. He said he had a sore throat. He had been working so much overtime since Nov. to come up with the money for Jacks adoption, that we just thought he was run down. Monday he went to work and when he got home he looked sick. Tuesday he didn't go to work, if you know Anthony, that never happens, so he went to the Dr.'s and called me and said that he had an abscess in his throat and had to have it drained. So they sent him to an ENT and he came home and went to bed. Then on Wed. he went back and they drained it again. I told him to go to the hospital because he didn't look so good, but he refused. Wednesday night he came down just long enough to watch Joseph blow out his candles. My whole family was shocked and told him to go to the hospital. He didn't go. Thursday he was in bed all day and night but his neck looked like it was swollen. Friday morning he woke up and his neck was 10x's the normal size and his eyes were popping out of his head. So, my brother rushed him to the hospital up the road from us.

In the meantime, my brother was going back to Iraq on Friday afternoon. So I drove him to the airport with his kids and again, watched him walk away to go back. My head was reeling. When I called the hospital, Anthony said they had him on heavy antibiotics and that he would be home soon. I get home from the airport and an hour later I get a call from Anthony that they are moving him to another hospital because he needs major surgery. I race to that hospital and the Dr. told me that if he would have waited another day or 2 he would have died. He had puss traveling to his brain and his heart. WHAT?!?!? How could this be happening? I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. So I go home and get my kids situated and I drive to this other hospital and they wouldn't let me in to see him before the surgery. Well, thank god I am a nasty ass because they DID LET ME IN!!!. They held him up for the surgery because he didn't have his insurance card. They wouldn't take the paperwork from the other hospital. He sat in the ER for 2 hours with no IV's because he didn't have his card. Freaked me out. The surgeon explained the procedure to us and they said they would have to do a Tracheotomy on him also. They said the procedure could be very dangerous. So off he went and I just sat and waited. Anthony's cousin came to sit with me. I finally got to see him and he looked good considering. He didn't have as much puss as they thought, but he had a lot of gas pockets throughout his neck. So he has 2 draining tubes and a trach tube. He will be in the hospital for a week and then we are not sure what the home recovery will be like. He thinks he's going back to work next week. Not happening. So our life is on hold for now.

So if you would just say a prayer for him to get better and for us to hang in I would really appreciate it.

Happy Birthday Joseph

HAPPY 9TH BIRTHDAY JOSEPH !!!!!!!!

Well, Joseph turns 9 today and of course he woke up ON HIS OWN today (lol) and wanted his presents. So sorry Joe, but you have to wait until tonight when everyone is here and we finish having cake and coffee. You had to see his face when I said this. It was priceless. I wish I had my camera on hand. I will post more tonight after the party.

Happy New Year

Panda pj's (I love them)


Matching pj's (look at Lily's hair)



My Family

I hope everyone had a wonderful Holiday and a Happy New Year!!!!

I haven't been able to post in so long. With my brother being home from Iraq and the Holidays and the kids being off from school, I haven't had time to do anything. Now that school is back in full swing, I have time to post. Our Christmas was fantastic. It was awesome having my brother and nieces here with us. LilyRose had the best first Christmas. Joseph made out like a bandit and my husband will have to get 3 more jobs. lol

I can't believe that the holidays are over and we are in a new year. WOW, we are home with LilyRose almost a year now. Where has the time gone? It feels like yesterday that we started the process for her. I have some pictures from Christmas, I hope you enjoy. I will write more later...

FCC-LI Holiday Party

LilyRose, Santa & Joseph


Joseph with his funky hat



The Girls



Paige

Anthony - Cotton Eye Joe

LilyRose Dancing

Emily

Joseph & LilyRose

Emily & LilyRose

My Family

Yesterday was a great day for us. The FCC-LI group had their annual Holiday Party and it was awesome. We had a blast seeing all of our friends and we even made some new ones. Joseph and LilyRose had a good time too. By the end of the day, LilyRose looked liked she hadn't slept in weeks. We were amazed, but she didn't cry when she went to see Santa. Maybe it was because her big brother Joseph went up with her. She's not afraid of anything when her big brother is with her. Just think, this time next year she will have 2 big brothers to protect her...

That's right. We have a new son. His name is Jack Anthony and right now he lives in Vietnam. We are hoping to travel to bring him home by April or May 2008. He will be 8 years old in March and we couldn't be happier. Here is the link to his blog: http://www.ourjourney2jack.blogspot.com/

I have posted a picture of him and will be updating his site again today. Please stop by and leave us a comment, so that Jack can see how loved he really is. Please don't forget to leave a comment here for LilyRose and Joseph too. I guess I will have to make a blog for Joe now too.

Happy Thanksgiving

Me & LilyRose


How adorable is this outfit


Joseph & LilyRose - God they are gorgeous



Joseph getting sick again

LilyRose with her cell phone



My mother, Eleanore & cousin Nancy

Cousins Anita, Michael, Pete & Joanie


Anthony & cousin Carl

Cousins Mark, Kristi, Crystal, Joseph, Gina & LilyRose

My family Happy Thanksgiving!!

A few days late.

I hope you all enjoyed your Thanksgiving. We had a great time at my cousin Michael & Anita's house. The food was good, the company was good. It was a good day. LilyRose ate and ate. I just don't know where she puts it. Joseph hardly ate anything. I don't know how the kid stands up. He is the worst eater ever. He doesn't like anything other then pasta. It's amazing.

We played this great game called Catch Phrase. It's been around for a while but I never played it. It was hysterical watching my mother play this game. She had no clue. Joseph did really well playing it. My cousin Crystal also had this little ball called 20Q. What an amazing thing this is. It tries to read your mind so to speak. It will ask you if you are thinking of an Animal, Vegetable or Mineral. Then it will ask these 20 questions and by your answer it will tell you what you were thinking of. It worked 10 out of 12 times we did it. A lot of fun.

Friday, we put up our Christmas Tree and decorated inside the house. I didn't go nuts this year because LilyRose was touching everything. It still looks great. We had fun doing it together. Then Friday night I made Hot Chocolate and we watched "It's a Wonderful Life". This is my favorite Holiday movie. I watch it every year on the night we put up the tree. I have been doing this for years and years. Anthony fell asleep and Joseph got bored and went to play video games, but LilyRose sat right next to me and watched the whole movie. She would have sat there even if nothing was on the TV. As long as she was sitting near me she was happy. lol

Saturday I had a baby shower out east. We left early and got home late. Anthony and Joseph decorated outside the house while we were gone. It came out very nice.

Sunday was a calm day. Doing nothing and loving it.

On Wednesday late afternoon we found out that we are approved to adopt a 7 year old boy from Vietnam. We are so very happy about this. I am overjoyed but sad at the same time. I will never hold the little boy from China and that is breaking my heart. But at the same time, if we accept, I HAVE A NEW SON!!!!!!

We are having his medical file checked out hopefully this week and then we will have to make our decision. The agency put me in contact with a woman who met this little boy in May and we spoke and she sent me pictures of him and she told me that he is the sweetest little boy. When we make our decision and if we accept him, I will post his pictures. Then I will make a blog just for him. I guess Joseph will want one for himself now too.

I am asking for prays now for my heart to heal and for that sweet child in China to find his family. WOW that just made me cry. I thought we were going to be his family. I can't understand how I could be happy and so sad at the same time. Any thoughts on this?

I have some pictures of Thanksgiving and some of my cousin birthday party. The top 3pictures are from Nov. 11th. Crystal's birthday party. The rest are from Thanksgiving. The camera dates are wrong.

Married 3 Years Today

This is my favorite


Love you mommy



At Last (At Last was our wedding song)

I DO !!!!

My dance with Joseph (I am your Child)

My dance with my brother (The Times of your Life)

YES, we did it !!!

My heart and soul

Cousin Gina & Brother Ralph

Nikki & Cousin Dale

My mom & my Joseph

Boy do I need this drink

A family at last

Well, today is our 3 year wedding anniversary.

I remember being a nervous wreck at this time 3 years ago. I also remember that I cried most of the day. So many tears for such a happy day everyone kept telling me. So many people that were missing that day I kept telling them. My father, my nieces, all of Anthony's family. I swear at the very last moment before I walked down the aisle, I turned and could have sworn that I saw my father standing there in a tuxedo. My father never thought that I would get married. He didn't think that anyone would want to marry a girl that had a child. He died 2 months after I met Anthony. He never got to meet my husband. I never got to tell him he was wrong, that someone did love me even though I had Joseph. I just really wanted to tell him he didn't have to be ashamed of me anymore.

But... We had an awesome wedding. We got married at the Jericho Terrace. It was where I always wanted to get married. Anthony's Uncle knew the owners so things were above and beyond everything I wanted my wedding to be. We had some issues, like the photographer and video guy. My photographer was a piss face and her brother who was doing the video called me the morning of my wedding and told me he wasn't going to be able to video the wedding because he was passing his stones. I almost jumped through the phone. I told him that he was going to video my wedding because he was going to pass his stones at Jericho Terrace in a jar in between breaks. He sent someone else that was a big moron. The florist forgot to send the flowers for my cake and when I got my flowers they had cigarette ashes all over it. I so wanted the trumpets and I couldn't wait for that and they sucked. One was like 7 feet tall and the other was 4 feet tall. They were off key and at one point they weren't even playing the same tune.

All in all we had a great day and it really was the wedding of my dreams. My gown was the best part of the wedding. It was the only gown that I tried on and it was prefect. I didn't want strapless but it was. It had a lace jacket that went over the gown. It had bell sleeves and the train was 3 inches longer then the gown train. It was the prefect gown for me. I loved it.

I can't believe it's been 3 years already...